Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Husband in a Box


A few weeks ago Husband was very excited. He had bought a new truck.

Maybe you'd think this might be some wild and crazy impetuous action on Husband's part? Maybe some spiffy sport truck, or a special truck for weekend jaunts, or in some way connected to leisure, or a macho image? Like maybe it was a truck with ten-foot-high tires and a lift kit?

But no. This is my husband we're talking about. It was a box truck, for our store. A big, ugly, white cargo truck intended to carry flooring around town and store products while it's parked.

Our store is not located in the best part of town, mostly because we couldn't afford the rent if it was. So Husband immediately became paranoid about parking the truck down there. What if someone stole the box truck? What if someone stole the box truck's battery? What about the myriad other risks, like sprayed on gang symbols, vandalism, etc?

So what did Husband decide to do? He decided that the box truck would be his vehicle now. He'd just drive it to and from work each day and he'd park this monstrosity outside of our house each night so that in the morning it would block out the sun and cast our entire house into darkness.

And this is what I have to say about that: if the biggest fantasy of your husband's life is to drive a box truck to and from work, you can pretty much rest assured that he's not cheating on you. There just aren't that many men picking up their mistresses in gigantic box trucks and going to motels. Nor are there very many men driving enormous box trucks in the red light districts of any cities trying to pick up hookers. The box truck, it turns out, is a huge, and I mean huge, symbol of fidelity.

As with all new things, the newness wore off. Husband finally calmed down. He figured out how to take out the battery so he could park it overnight at our store. Though he'd really had his heart set on the novelty and panache of driving it to and from work each day, he finally understood that he just couldn't. Box trucks belong at stores.

So he drove it on its final journey. The engine rumbled to life, the gears screeched into place, down our street and all the way back to the store. And there it sits now, casting its shadow.

Any mid-life crisis car purchasing going on in your family? Any anti-mid-life crisis car purchasing going on in your family? Does your spouse/partner ever get excited about buying something really dorky? Something that necessitates you having to stand there and say, "Nice box truck, honey. Really."

27 comments:

  1. OH MY GOD LINDA THIS IS JUST TOO MUCH. (Can you hear me yelling?) Really. Really! This is hilarious. Your husband, you, the truck, the story. So what you're saying is that when Dan is due for a new vehicle I should really be pushing him toward a box truck? Might be a little big for our purposes, but I do know he's interested in a LARGE COMMERCIAL VAN or even a mini-van, do those count in the fidelity insurance department?

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  2. You're KILLING me! That is a completely hilarious take on an even more hilarious purchase! My husband- without warning- came home towing a pop-up camper this past summer. " It was a really good deal! i couldn't pass it up!" was his excuse. I guess it is a symbol of fidelity too, because although it contains a bed, I don't see many mistresses thinking they are being pampered by the lack of a/c and a bathroom. It takes a loving, dedicated (crazy) wife to agree to camping with no bathroom.

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  3. ...or those pesky "for better or worse" vows.... with "worse" being the bathroomless camper.

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  4. "If the biggest fantasy of your husband's life is to drive a box truck to and from work, you can pretty much rest assured that he's not cheating on you."

    I'm laughing too hard to formulate an articulate comment. Brilliant humor!

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  5. Don't do the midlife crisis thing (I have another approach, tra la). But I did get a great laugh out of this post! Truck, as symbol of fidelity. I love it.

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  6. Sarah, a big, dorky, commercial van is perfect. Hot sports car = BAD. Embarassing panel van = GOOD. Love the term "fidelity insurance!"

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  7. I bought my husband a sporty new red car when he turned 40. I hoped it would help prevent any need for a blond.

    It seemed to work. I love the big truck! My husband would LOVE a big truck.

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  8. Jennifer, I'm with you. The pop up camper with no bathroom or AC is a good sign of fidelity! I don't know if there's a glossary somewhere, but I'm pretty sure mistresses insist on bathroom facilities!

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  9. Terry, I love it. Distract husband with sports car? Genius move. Wait till my husband gets the store name painted on the truck in 6 foot high letters. THEN he'll be beaming!

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  10. um, lol.
    I recently went looking at cars..hopped in a sports car, a mazda z something something.
    So, it's a stick shift...it had leather seats and a sun roof, cockpit like area in the front.
    And all I could think was, hmmmmm....I think I will fix my mini van.. no payments.
    lol.
    I just don't care about zoom zoom zoom.
    For me, the sexiest thing in the world is a paid off car.

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  11. As soon as I saw the title of this one I couldn't wait to read it. I laughed all the way through. If my ex-husband had been all about box trucks there's a good chance we might still be married. Nah. He's still an ass. But that was a great story.

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  12. Chris, stay in the van for one other reason: with the stuff you're dealing with the weight loss, you'd flip if you suddenly got sports car attention too! The van will balance it nicely!

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  13. Robin, I guess every guy should be issued a box truck on the day of their wedding. It sends a clear message: things are slowing down now.

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  15. My husband bought a red two door coupe about 6 years ago, and promptly installed TWO car seats in the back!!

    Between the car seats and the distinterating leather driver's seat, I'd love to see him try to pick up anyone in that car!!!

    It is funny how something so small (or in your case, so large) can mean so much to a wife.

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  16. Maria, Car seats, of course, are not a big dating draw for a husband who wants to go a cheatin'. Not to mention all the other junk that ends up in the car because of those car seats (or kids) like food, cups, toys, pencils, balls. It's not quite Hugh Hefner, right?

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  17. Love the post. Have to try to not laugh too loudly and wake up the sleeping. No midlife-crisis cars at my house but I have a good friend who did buy one. He bought a candy apple red Eclipse. I have driven it. Love the car but not for me.

    You've seen my midlife identity crisis playing out on my blog, Linda. Has nothing to do with cars. LOL!

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  18. I'm laughing. Box Truck=proof of fidelity, indeed. That's hysterical!

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  19. This is good stuff. And proof that you could make it as a stand-up comedian.

    PS: My slang for box truck? Cheese box. They look like ginormous cheese boxes on wheels, don't they?

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  20. After a very long and not very cheery day... this was PERFECT. I literally laughed out loud throughout it picturing your husband driving it to and from work and parking it in front of your house. Even more, I tried to imagine MY husband doing the same... and couldn't. When it comes time for a new car though, I might suggest it. GREAT post!

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  21. Nicki, now that you bring it up, I think my entire writing "career" (such as it is) is one huge midlife crisis! But, still, better than driving a box truck!

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  22. TKW, just wait till the box truck is emblazoned with the words "CARPET CLOSEOUTS." Now THAT'S a hot male car!

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  23. Terresa, you're so kind. A stand up comedian? More like a hide-in-my-house comedian! And, yes, a cheese box or bread box. Box on wheels.

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  24. Becca, I wonder how suspicious a husband gets when the wife suggests his new car should be a box truck? "No special reason, honey!" I might just start a movement here!

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  25. This is hilarious! I have seen the excitement in his face when purchasing yard work equipment, so I can relate.

    I'm sure the neighbors are thrilled that he found a way to keep it parked at the store.

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  26. Charlotte, it would only have been a matter of time before the HOA police showed up and sent us a "Friendly Reminder" quoting chapter and verse from our homeowners documents as to why the truck wasn't allowed!

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