Invariably as a parent I'm caught between two opposing desires: I want my kids to have each other's backs, and I want them to tell me if the other one is doing something that puts the other kid in danger. I want them to be on the same team and to be on my team, even though half the time I'm the enemy.
The only problem with the scenario is that Daughter is a natural-born snitch. She loves catching Bar Mitzvahzilla doing something he's not supposed to be doing. She'll sneak around rooms, lurk out of sight, just about shimmy on her belly down a hallway, anything to catch him in some unauthorized activity, which, around here, could be something pretty innocuous, like playing on the Xbox when he's not supposed to.
This doesn't exactly build a healthy relationship between the kids. It also doesn't help that Bar Mitzvahzilla, a nice, mellow kid, doesn't really see this coming each time it happens. He'll be doing his favorite activity in the world, which apparently is killing the bad guys who have pretend-invaded the United States, and won't have made any attempt to disguise his activity - like there are the sounds of bombs and missiles coming from the den where he's supposed to be watching TV. Then Daughter will just happen to cruise through the kitchen and tell me that her brother's on the Xbox.
It's extremely tempting to use a snitchy child like this as my eyes and ears, to be my spycam on the teenager. But, I know. I have to avoid that. First of all, and even if she can't see it, I need them to be friends. I need them on the same team. I'm willing to have her rat him out if it was a safety issue or risky behavior. But Xbox? I think I can take it from here.
So I tell the snitch that she has to stop telling on her brother, that she has to try harder to consider herself on his "team." The kid team, not the parent team. She gives me a stormy look and goes to tell Husband instead.
Do you have any snitches in the house? Do you find it hard not to want the information but wanting the behavior to stop? Any teenagers (or significant others) with gaming addictions?
my little one tends to snitch.
ReplyDeleteI think that's what little one's do...
It doesn't bother me.
I just laugh.
kate semi punches her in the arm later and calls her a snitch. they fight it out.
The interesting thing is that while they will rip each other to shreds around the house, don't let anyone else try it outside the house.
They will have each other's back in the real world.
It's in the DNA
That is so funny, Chris. My son is extremely protective of my daughter. Just thinking about the days when she'll be dating (still years away) can make him nuts. I guess any potential boyfriend will have to get past my husband AND Bar Mitzvahzilla!
ReplyDeleteMy sons have finally reached some sort of friendly truce after many years of not getting along. I asked my older son if he would tell me if he ever saw anything on my younger son's facebook page or heard of anything I should know about to let me know. He told me that now that they had a decent relationship he did not want to ruin it by "narcing" (his word) on his brother. I guess he is right, but I also hope he will intervene or do something if needed. I'm talking risky behavior here, not the xbox kind.
ReplyDeleteIt's natural for kids to sneak on each other, I guess. It's sort of unavoidable, because - even unconsciously - kids look for parents' approval. the best way would be to teach kids to only tell on each other if something really, really serious is going on.
ReplyDeleteThis one is a toughie. Back when my ex's kids lived with me, they were usually in on it together. However, if not, the other didn't rat the other one out. Now, if one got caught, they both pointed the finger at the other. I could always tell if C-Man was being wrongly accused b/c he would get really angry. If he was guilty and getting the finger pointed at him, not at all. H-Girl has a poker face to end all poker faces. She lies like a pro. This ability started at four years of age. She now has it down to an art form. I think now they will both rat the other out. My intuition tells me H-Girl is more likely to rat out C-Man than the other way around. Fortunately, C-Man is a pretty good kid. She has gotten a venomous side to her since she has lived with her father. It isn't pretty.
ReplyDeleteWe wrestle with this too. It's partly our fault because when we're in lazy parent mode, we might ask one kid to deliver a message to another kid. "Go remind your brother that he's supposed to be cleaning his room." Like that.
ReplyDeleteOy. This parenting thing presents a lot of challenges. Like a low grade fever. Not horrible by any stretch of the imagination, but a low buzz of irritations.
My little sister constantly snitched on me and I couldn't stand her for years - but we're best friends now, so there's hope for your two. And, oh, if you want to give Bar Mitzvahzilla a little break, you could send Daughter over here to yell at my XBox addicted hubby, or she could just steal the headphones that I thought would be such a great idea so I wouldn't have to listen to all the shooting, but now his hearing is shot and he YELLS all the time. WHAT? WHAT?
ReplyDeleteAh yes, just one more difficult thing about parenting. I don't face that problem yet because I only have one. I'll have to find someone else to snitch on him!
ReplyDeleteOh my! I know whatr you are talking about! When our three sons were small , I had to deal with this! Alot! I promise you , it gets easier!!!
ReplyDeleteKaren, I'm with you. There's a dividing line on the "need to know" basis. I might LIKE to know that my son's on the Xbox instead of doing homework, for example, but I don't NEED to know, it doesn't involve safety. But safety issues are my big thing. Risky driving, drinking issues. Eh - don't want to think about what my future might hold. I'm so paranoid.
ReplyDeleteMisery, I think back to my own childhood and how there were so many of us and my mother was so distracted, it was really no use. We were always "taking the law into our own hands," so to speak! I want to be more involved than that but not nuts, right?
ReplyDeleteRobin, that is really tough when you can see the bad side of a kid that will only get worse, especially when your ability to discipline is curtailed by being the step-parent, depending on the arrangement in the family. Some of my most illuminating moments haven't been just with my kids alone, but in watching them with other kids and seeing some characteristics pop out that were not pretty. Later, when we were alone, came the talk!
ReplyDeleteMy daughter loves to tell me what her brother is doing wrong. But I'm still at the stage where I'm enjoying having her as my second pair of eyes! =>
ReplyDeleteI replied to your comment over on my blog. :) Thanks for stopping by!!
ReplyDeleteI'm laughing at the snitch--I picture her writhing through the house like Catherine Zeta Jones in Entrapment. Our little one is "the informer" in our house. :)
ReplyDeleteLinda, well, the cats snitched this week! The crashing bowl on the living room floor woke me at 4:30 only to find my son still on his video game from 9 p.m. the night before. He'd never gone to sleep! And, he tried to tell me that he had. He's banned until further notice. It was really jarring to be face to face with his addiction. He later told me I was right to ban him and he sees its destruction now.
ReplyDeleteGlad school started today! Maybe his brain will be used for better purposes. A parent can only hope. Calling in help from the masses regarding "Parental Controls." Wish I was more techno savvy.
Good topic! ...or side topic.
I agree with cmoursler- in the real world, they will have each others' backs. My kids don't seem to ever get along. And my son is the tattletale ( right now, anyway). But, the other night, we took them to one of those little church carnivals and he was helping her up into the little train car and just hovering protectively over her and being an attentive big brother. It prompted another mom to turn to me and marvel at what an awesome big brother he is.... and I just stood there with my mouth hanging open and wondering what happened to my kids and who replaced them with Stepford children.
ReplyDeleteOh brother! I have two snitches in my house. The two older boys love nothing more than to tattle on the other, ad naseuaem! Unless it is life threatening, I just ignore them anymore!
ReplyDeleteI struggle to find this balance between wanting them to tattle and wanting them to stand up for each other. The dynamics between kids is one of the hardest things about parenting more than one!
ReplyDeleteNever did have a snitch, though at times, it would've come in handy. Frankly - for tweens and teens more than anything! (In a way, maybe you should consider yourself fortunate?)
ReplyDeleteI'm pretty sure I've said "Shut it", "You're not the parent", "Stop acting like the parent", "I'm not an idiot" and all manner of things like this in response to my oldest son (only 7) telling on his little brothers. When that doesn't work I look at him and simply yell
ReplyDelete"SHUT
UP"
which only really works in the moment and then makes me feel like shit and he never really stops because once you get the taste for being right and in control and in charge it is hard to let it go. Ah first child syndrome. Rough man.
Kudos to you for resisting the temptation. Here I am: Guilty as charged. I often tell 7 yo to "Go see what your brother is doing." That is not helping the constant the bickering, eh? I need to think about this more. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteMy younger brother still hates me for that and we're in our 60s.
ReplyDeleteWhen I read many of your posts, I want to bookmark them for 10 years down the road. I've thought about the whole snitching issue, but am at a loss on how to encourage friendships without encouraging hiding bad behavior. This post just reminds me that I am still far from figuring out a solution.
ReplyDeleteEvery family has a snitch I think. I always say I don't listen to tattling unless someone's in danger or going to get hurt. Then I put my hands over my hears and sing "la la la," while the kid still tries to tattle. I'm mature that way.
ReplyDeleteI'm convinced kids act this way to feel superior to their siblings. While my girls have never really been snitches on each other, they will try to endear me in other ways by being my "friend" or in my oldest daughter's (21) case by telling me how to raise her sister (18). By the way, my middle daughter is now giving me parenting advice on how to raise my 7-year-old son. When this happens I give each of my girl's a hug and say, "Thanks for the advice but I think I got it from here."
ReplyDeletehow to encourage friendships
ReplyDeleteWhy? Why do siblings have to be friends with each other? They did not choose to be siblings and they did not choose each other. I am not a parent, but I am a sibling and I really really wanted to be an only child when I was a kid.