Saturday, June 1, 2013

I Don't Have a Headache, I Have a Thirteen-Year-Old



I'm driving Daughter to school one day last week and I know I've got to tell her that she lost her allowance for the week but I'm dreading it. Am I dreading it because I hate to take away her money? No, she's miserly enough that she's probably got millions stashed around the house. Am I dreading it because it's too harsh a punishment for a few missed chores -- in other words, is my mother's heart weakening? Again, no. This child misses so many chores so much of the time, she has to have missed egregious amounts to finally lose her allowance. If I just counted the chores she made for me by her constant carrying things from one area of the house and dropping them off in another, I would earn a tidy allowance.

I'm dreading breaking it to her because there are better places than the interior of a car to have a thirteen-year-old pitch a fit and start screaming her head off.

But I can't resist. It's become our fight-a-day, the ride to school, whatever she's mad about that particular day, and this, her money, she will scream about all the way there: As I leave our neighborhood, turn onto the major street, drive down three miles, turn again, drive up two miles, and deposit her at the school doors, only the door slamming shut restoring the car to silence. 

She breaks the sound barrier as we drive down the road. Maybe even the windows. And that's when I realize I have a headache. And then I think, wait a minute. It's kind of early for a headache - only eight in the morning! I haven't really even done enough today to get a headache. Then then I realize the truth: I don't have a headache, I have a thirteen-year-old.

When Daughter was born, Husband and I looked on her with some bewilderment. After all, our first baby had weighed a pound and a half at birth. Who was this gigantic, loud, crying, jaundiced child, weighing in at a whopping six pounds nine ounces? Bar Mitzvahzilla hadn't even gone home with us for nearly ten weeks. We practically had to break him out of the hospital at the end, the doctors were so reluctant to release him, so reluctant to try him on outside air. But with Daughter there was no delay; she was ours driving home just a few days after birth.

Husband and I had been rightfully worried about Bar Mitzvahzilla -- born so tiny, he had come home with an apnea monitor and oxygen tubing. Once he moved out of our bedroom, we bought a sophisticated monitor just so we could listen to his every sound. If I could have crawled in the crib with him, honestly, I would have. But after Daughter moved out of our room and proved that her cries needed no amplification, no monitor, no microphone, to travel from one side of the house to the other, we gave the monitor away. We both felt completely confident that this child wasn't going anywhere without yelling her head off.

Of course, we were right. And, of course, I don't have a headache, just a little residual thirteen-year-old, recently disembarked from the car, clearing up a little later in the day, and to return about pickup time.

Have you lived through your child's adolescence? Did you find that they had just the right combination of screams to bring on a headache? Any baby screamers not needing monitors?

10 comments:

  1. Egads. I feel for you, Linda. I still keep in contact with my ex's kids. In fact I just saw them on this vacation. They are now 14 and 15 and very Teenagery. I know exactly what you are talking about with this post. I have zero answers for you. None.

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    1. Thanks Robin, I appreciate the sympathy! One good thing: I've already been through this with the older one and he's turned out pretty nicely so I just have to forge ahead (battle it out, really) and buy some more Exedrin Migraine!

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  2. Oh my. I am so not looking forward to that. I have all boys, which people say are easier as teens, but I can already tell I have a moody one, and I don't think he is going to be quiet about it!

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    1. It's so funny how you can really tell their personalities from an early age. I will say, though, that my son has surprised me by maturing in ways that I once despaired of. It may be a boy thing, which would be good for you! I'll know more about girls in about 4 years!

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  3. Linda, Thanks for your comment on my blog. I had to put in security measures to moderate comments since I had a crazy spammer. Somehow I hit reject on your comment instead of publish, so I'm sorry! I don't want you to think that I don't appreciate your comments!! I love the perspective of someone who has been there... and survived!!!

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    1. Oh, that's okay! I cannot believe how much spam shows up on here now under "Anonymous" - it is very frustrating! Blogger filters it very well but it's very disappointing when the vast number of your commenters are spammers!

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  4. Linda, I haven't posted it yet, but it may be up by the time you read this comment. I am honoring you with The Liebster Award. I really want to see you get back into the blogging biz more regularly. I miss your writing. I am hoping that having this award will spur you into action. We love you here in the Blogosphere!

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  5. My kids are nowhere near adolescence (thank goodness!), but I do remember being a 13-year old girl and it wasn't pretty. I transformed, it seemed, overnight from a sweet, obedient girl to a raging jerk. The good news: that sweet, obedient girl returned. The bad news: it took about four years for that to happen! ;)

    And ditto to what Robin said above! I always love to read your posts.

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  6. Robin, I am so honored! I was in Alaska when you posted this and only just got back from there and a little visiting of family in Seattle. I miss my bloggy buddies too and admit that I've had a bit of a problem regaining my blogging voice since I published my book. Is that weird? I'm working on it and will keep to a schedule after I get both of the kids off to school next week! Thank you again for the encouragement and friendship!

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  7. This is a great blog, i really enjoyed this post. As a fellow parent of a teenager i can definitely sympathize!

    I just wanted to share a new website that i found which specifically caters to the Jewish community. www.jewbilation.com
    They have an online marketplace that i have used for party favors and small trinkets, but it is the service listing directory that i found especially interesting. I was able to find a venue to have my son's Bar Mitzvah at and couldn't have been happier. http://services.jewbilation.com/venues/

    I encourage everyone to try it out!

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