Um, celebrate?
So, to celebrate, we let Bar Mitzvahzilla pick a restaurant for dinner tonight. He picks Mexican food. We sit down at the table, the busser brings a basket of chips and, almost before anyone else can get one, Bar Mitzvahzilla has eaten all of them. Same with the second basket.
Because he's spent years coveting anything I eat and I've the fajita salad at this place, Bar Mitzvahzilla next orders this salad, though I've already given him a dire warning that he's probably ruined his appetite with so many chips. He scoffs at me. (Note: I also will not miss scoffing for one week.) Of course, he's right. There is actually no such thing as "ruining his appetite." He just continually stuffs food down his mullet before his brain has a chance to register that his stomach is full, then suddenly a distress signal is sent up from the stomach to the brain - while his mouth is still full - and he'll just stop chewing. He's done. That's it.
So he makes his way through the salad. Then he starts trolling for excess food around the table. Is Husband going to finish his burrito? Am I going to finish my taco? My Pico de Gallo? My garnish? Is there any refuse on the table he can perhaps lick up? It's like sitting at a table with a vulture. We hover protectively over our plates so he can't swoop in and grab our food.
While Husband and I are sitting across from Bar Mitzvahzilla tonight we both realize with rising horror that we're about to set our son loose on his unsuspecting classmates and they'll all soon be witnessing his table manners. The clutching of the fork like it's a spade. The overloading of the fork with too much food. The mouth opened wide like a bird, his braces glinting in there. The general multi-napkin mess that is his face after all this has transpired.
We begin some belated instruction: Smaller bites! Cut your food! Don't eat like you're starving! Slow down! Then we give up, exasperated. It's Washington, D.C.'s problem for one week, not ours.
Any ravenous children over at your place? How is the table manner-training going? Have you ever sent a kid off on one of these really big "field trips?"
ack, a week. I still walk my nine year old to her friends house...I'm a wee bit overprotective.
ReplyDeleteYou should have seen the problem I had last year letting my oldest go to Denver for the opera.
I was all like "Who is driving?" "Are they a good driver'.
My daughter was reduced to saying..
Yes mom, I saw her drive through the parking lost once nice and slow.
I still didn't relent until they assured me there would be two adults going as well.
I have girls.
They eat 1/2 of whats on their plate and complain about 'texture'.
that would lot, not lost...lol...freudian much.
ReplyDeleteWe eat like birds over here, unless there is ice cream or black beans involved. Hope Barry White has a great time taking on Capitol Hill ... I hear the politician-folk hold their forks like spades, too. =>
ReplyDeleteIt's his age - he will fit in perfectly as I imagine all his friends right now are also human hoovers who haven't been to etiquette training 101 for table manners :-)
ReplyDeleteIn our house we are still dealing with a three year old with the most limited of tastes, macaroni and cheese and goldfish being the preferred offerings and we never to to mexican restaurants because she will not eat anything, not even the chips.
Linda, I laughed throughout this entire post. We have two vultures with gaping jaws over here.
ReplyDeleteAwesome Stepkid R. is 16 and really only eats one meal a day (the rest is snacking time) but BOY is it a whopper of a meal. Example: 8 boneless buffalo wings, a 1/2 pound burger and fries, milkshake. Makes me sick just thinking about it.
Miss D. is never satisfied lately. Her breakfast the other day: an apple, 2 scrambled eggs, 2 slices wheat toast, a yogurt, 1/2 cup of grapes. She's 8 years old! Where is she putting all that food?
Hope D.C. survives the pillaging. Hope YOU have a nice little break. Your food bill is going to thank you, right?
When my son was a few years older than yours he went to DC also for a religious school trip for three days. The kids were going to be let lose in Georgetown to fend for themselves one night for dinner. It dawned on me that my son had never even gone to the mall alone! I tried not to think about it. Sigh.
ReplyDeleteI do worry about my boys' eating habits when they are elsewhere and often tell my husband to watch what HE is modeling. As he uses his finger to push something onto his fork. Sigh.
My thirteen year old daughter is the same way! I'm going to be calling her The Vulture from now on, I'll give you the credit for the nickname, though.
ReplyDeleteIf it makes you feel better, I suspect all 8th grade boys eat like that. It might take all the food in DC to keep them satisfied for a week!
Good luck to Bar Mitvahzilla (and enjoy your respite).
The image of all of you protecting your plates was just too much. I was chuckling and that set me off into gales of laughter. I am still wiping my eyes. I do believe you made me cry. I think that some of your other comments indicated that he would fit right in. I think that they are probably right. He likely eats like that at school and hasn't died of shame, which suggests his friends eat the same way. *Enjoy your vacation.*
ReplyDeleteI chuckled reading this. And chuckled again. "Scoffing," indeed. As for ravenous? Wait until 16. Bottomless pit. Everything and anything.
ReplyDeleteEnjoy your week!
I don't have any kids, but it sure sounds like my boyfriend. And I'm the World's Slowest Eater, so it's a real good match, ya know?
ReplyDeleteFunny thing is, I am the table scrounger. I am constantly picking off my kids plates and then I try my husbands. The thing is, he grew up in a house of 7 kids, so he protects all his food like it is his last gold coin. This is our constant source of fights, "Just order more food!" he will say. I know I can , but to admit to the wait staff or anyone else that I want to eat that much can be embarrassing so I just pick. I sympathize with your son.
ReplyDeleteIsn't is funny! I can't keep food in my house. My 8th grader is exactly the same--can't stop eating.
ReplyDeleteI wonder what it will be like without him?
Have a wonderful Mother's Day
Chris, I'm with you, I'm definitely a paranoid parent. I haven't come to that "teen driver" thing yet. Having spent so many years in an insurance company job I'm sure I'll be a nightmare! Here's what we've got: 22 sheltered Jewish dayschool kids, one assistant head of school, two teachers and one other chaperone. Not bad, I think. And, anyway, he's outta here!
ReplyDeleteStacia, the great thing about my son always wanting all my food is that hopefully that'll translate to a slimmer mom, not just a hungrier one!
ReplyDeleteAging Mommy, I asked him if he eats like that at school and apparently he doesn't because the lunches I make for him are so disgustingly boring! So I guess there's hope if they only eat bad food in DC! If it's good food then he'll soon be sitting alone!
ReplyDeleteAnd I don't know how we trained our kids to eat every kind of cuisine on the planet. I think it's because they get some kind of macabre joy out of taking my food away from me so will try anything to do that!
TKW, what is it with the skinny little girls and the enormous hollow pit stomachs? Mine is like that too. She eats, she's hungry; like within the hour! And what is with that hot wings thing with the boys? My son ends up coated head to toe with BBQ sauce when he eats them, the hotter the better!
ReplyDeleteA week off! Now if I could only convince my daughter to sleep out a couple nights!
Karen, you are so right! I missed a perfectly good opportunity to blame this all on my husband!
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm sure him going away will be just like camp last summer, I'll miss him like crazy and he won't miss me at all. And, yes, I know this is the way it's going to be for the rest of my life...
Charlotte, I hope you're right and that all the boys are pigs. They are at that age where they're almost competing to see who can be the biggest slob of all. At least until they start liking girls!
ReplyDeleteRobin, it's a standing joke around my house that I make the most boring lunches in the entire school - day after day of sandwiches. So I think that my son looks in his lunchbox each day and grimaces, then peels back the tin foil on his sandwich, sees what kind of lunch meat he has, says, "No, not beef again!" and starts banging his head on the table. I'm thinking he's not gobbling my lunches up, at least from the complaints I hear later!
ReplyDeleteBLW, are boys lucky or what? Bottomless pits who can eat anything they want and have metabolisms like furnaces! I am so jealous. I stopped being able to eat what I wanted at fourteen. That is truly cruel.
ReplyDeleteTricia, It's only a good match if he doesn't finish his food and then start working on yours!
ReplyDeleteSince I never really get to eat everything I want (which would be like all the food in the world) I seriously want my food. It can be hard on me to be torn between love for the hungry son and love for my hungry belly!
Joely, that is so funny that you want to pick and your husband guards his plate. I grew up with seven sisters in the family and there was definitely the guarding of the food, but one sister was a picker. And I mean she wouldn't sit down to her own meal, she only wanted to pick at other people's meals, and still does to this day!
ReplyDeleteTerry, he went through a Kudos bar kick and ate a Costco-size box of them and nagged me till I bought another one. Then he declared himself to be on a health kick and couldn't eat that junk. Argh.
ReplyDeleteFourteen-year-olds: half human garbage can carnivores and half eco-conscious environmentalist vegans!
I was thinking the same thing as everyone else already mentioned- that your son is like every other 8th grade boy. Or girl- just not such on a grand scale. The vulture mode hit me in high school. Seriously, I would eat lunch at school and then after school, I would swing through McDonald's before after school activities started and get a TWENTY PIECE McNugget and eat it. Then, after band/drama/clubs, I would go home and eat dinner. And then eat again before going to sleep. People used to gawk at me because I was maybe 100 pounds soaking wet. Of course, that all caught up with me when I hit my 30's.
ReplyDeleteI hope Bar Mitzvahzilla has a great time in D.C. and enjoy your week off!
OH, too funny. Boys and their appetites. My son always ate pancakes and french toast with his hands. I gave up corrcting him at about 13, saying please just don't do it outside of this house.
ReplyDeleteAll 3 of mine did a week long 8th grade trip. I went with the 3rd but the other 2 I can only imagine the impression they left when set loose in the world. You must shut your eyes and toss him out into the world. Of course, a little threatening never hurt anyone.
Enjoy your quiet week!
This is hilarious!! Linda, you make me laugh. What a relief that D.C. gets to feed the "vulture" for a week!
ReplyDeleteMy brothers are very much like this. When cooking for them, my mother must make 10 extra servings, just for them.
I'm thinking that the worst manners in your town just might be the best manners in D.C.
ReplyDeleteAs for the hunger, it sounds like a lust for life.
Best Mother's Day Wishes
Jennifer, I used to eat a 20-piece chicken nugget box from McDonald's too, the only difference is that I ended up weighing 211 pounds!
ReplyDeleteAnd thanks for the good wishes on the week off. Does anyone want to take an extremely high-maintenance 10-year-old for a night or two? THEN it'll be time off!
Maureen, so funny - "close my eyes and toss him out in the world!" I love that image! Especially since now he's two inches taller than me and very proud of it! And the eating with the hands thing! I guess it just gets the food in there so much more quickly, right?
ReplyDeleteAmber, foisting him upon the unsuspecting citizens there is a little scary! I'm just worried about what the chaperone/teachers will think of him!
ReplyDeleteBruce, Ever since he was born (a pound and a half) he has had this certain life force. I remember the nurses saying he was just an "eat and grow" baby because otherwise he was okay! And thanks for the Mother's Day wishes!
What a wonderful description of the gaping maw that is adolescent boyhood. I couldn't stop laughing. The vulture image is very apt.
ReplyDeleteIsn't he a growing athlete as well? It may just get worse / better (depending on how you look at it - I have two picky, picky eaters and.... man - is that hard too or what?). Anyway, funny, funny..... I'm trying to picture you and hubby staring at him in horror, as he just keeps a'eatin' ;-).
ReplyDeleteI laughed until I realized that I have three boys.
ReplyDeleteIt sucked the humor right out of me, and I believe I felt a slight tremor shoot through my bones.
Don't worry too much about his table manners. If his friends are like him (and any other teenaged boy), he will fit right in. Besides, I would worry more that he might be so hungry he might eat a waiter if they refused to bring him more chips and salsa ;)
Patti, I have to say, I'm missing my vulture about now! (Gone already 4 days...) I'll even give him all my food!
ReplyDeleteSherri, You're right about him being into athletics. This summer he's going to be beefing up with some pre-football training camps so that'll be some horror for the food bill! Let him eat what he wants, the biggest problem is when he starts pouting at me across a table and then I wordlessly hand him my food.
ReplyDelete