My favorite makeup tool is also my least favorite makeup tool: a tiny magnifying mirror I bought that has suction cups and attaches to my regular makeup mirror.
So it's like this every morning: I take my shower. I do the thousand tasks that have to be done to maintain hygiene. Then I sit down at my vanity. I look in my makeup mirror - the regular reflection side - and everything looks okayish.
Then I decide to destroy my life. I flip the mirror around and look over to the suction-cupped mirror, which must be about 100X magnification. I don't really know. All I know is that suddenly a pore that looked oversized to begin with is clearly the size of the Grand Canyon. And there's a lot of hair. On my face. And I'm a female.
Why do I have this tool, you wonder? Well, for the eyebrows, actually. It couldn't be more useful there. Somehow, despite a body that grows a pelt each morning, my eyebrows, overtweezed since I was fifteen, will not grow out. So I'm growing them out into a special shape - boomerangs. This is taking a while - a year the last time I checked. The trick is only to look at my eyebrows, not the rest of my face. No one who's teetering on the edge of fifty should look at her face in 100X magnification. My head, in this mirror, is literally the size of the Goodyear Blimp. It's disheartening.
I'm learning though. Since it's both my favorite and least favorite makeup tool, out of necessity I'm learning to be quick about it. Check the eyebrows, check the hair that doesn't belong on the fairer sex. Pull open a drawer of medieval-type instruments to deal with the problems. Then flip it around to being just a mirror again.
And there it is: my face, normal-sized, pores just large - nothing anyone could fall into - hair just where I want it to be. I think.
Anyone else look a little scary in a magnifying mirror? Am I the only one who overtweezed years ago into oblivion?
only a little....lol. I have a flippy mirror....on one side normal...the other...soul crushing mirror of the apocalypse.
ReplyDeleteIf you really want to mess yourself up, bend over the mirror and watch your face sag and melt.
That's always good fun. lol
Magnifying mirrors are the Devil's instrument. Like I wanna see those black chin hairs? Those crow's feet? The stray nose hair from Hell? NOOOOOOOOOOO.
ReplyDeleteDitch the magnifying mirror. No good can come from it.
Hilarious post as usual, Linda!
ReplyDeleteAs a kid, I had one of those flippy mirrors cmoursler mentioned - for some reason, my mom bought it for me when I got contacts in middle school. (Maybe it was supposed to help me insert them?) Thank goodness, that mirror was left behind many moves ago and I haven't looked in a magnifying mirror since. I don't look forward to the next time I happen upon one...
Chris, Right. Our faces are not meant to be looked at fallen forwards! "Soul crushing mirror of the apocalypse" indeed!
ReplyDeleteTKW, Well, now that you mentioned those nose hairs...(you always seem to say it like it is!) aren't men supposed to be the only ones with them? I mean, I've been oh-so-tenderly telling my husband when it's time for a trim for years. Is it time for my retribution, then? Sigh.
ReplyDeleteKristen, I don't know what possessed me in buying it. I mean, how closely exactly do I need to tweeze these eyebrows? Is Womens Wear Daily coming to visit? And nothing like learning to put in contacts with your eye the size of an alien's.
ReplyDeleteHahaha, Women's Wear Daily. Ha ha ha!
ReplyDeleteLove this, Linda! Love love love.
I had one of these mirrors when I was just a young chicklet. Back then I thought it was fascinating. And now? Now I think I'm wise enough to NEVER EVER BUY ONE AGAIN. I barely glimpse myself in the regular bathroom mirror on the wall! Let alone at 1000000x magnification. Ew. Just Ew.
I don't think I could manage to live with a mirror like that. I have few mirrors in my house to start with. Don't need this one! LOL!
ReplyDeleteHilarious...found you through Motherese. I used to look at myslef through magnification side of the mirror, and alas the mirror "mysteriously" broke. Which led to seven years of bad luck ...now I'm even more horrid looking than I was!
ReplyDeleteOf course I am fixated on the metaphor here. Maybe looking at ourselves and life too closely makes us miserable. Maybe analyzing every pore of existence is a recipe for despair. Maybe we are just supposed to look, see, absorb without squinting too hard and reaching for that magnifying glass?
ReplyDeleteGreat post. As always!
LOL, yes, I ditched mine years ago with the theory that if the stray eyebrow hair is not noticeable to me in the regular mirror, it won't be noticeable to the grocery clerk. Unless he's standing way too close, and then my eyebrows will be the least of my (and his) problems. Found you through Motherese; so glad I did!
ReplyDeleteOh, you make me laugh! I have the kind of mirror that you flip - normal reflection (and I use the term nauseously), and magnification on the other side.
ReplyDeleteI stopped flipping it about 3 years ago. Head in the sand, tweezers in the purse. Works for me.
Sarah, that is so funny about the regular bathroom mirror. Fogged up? A-okay. Clear? Running past to get clothes on. It's disheartening. Can you imagine if the big mirror above the sink was magnified? Ack.
ReplyDeleteNicki, I have one mirror in my house that's a "skinny" mirror - it makes everyone appear to have lost 20 lbs! I need to patent that thing!
ReplyDeleteSuzicate, I used to break mirrors all the time when I was a kid, painstakingly counting off all the 7 year increments of bad luck. Lost track awhile back... If the image in the magnifying mirror is any indication, I'm still in one.
ReplyDeleteAidan, you are so smart. I cannot believe that the analogy just slipped past me! You're right of course. I used to come screaming out of our powder room when I was a kid, complaining about all these aspects of my appearance. My mother (the sensitive Holocaust Survivor) would say, "If you didn't look so closely, you wouldn't see anything wrong." Thanks Mom.
ReplyDeleteCheryl, so funny and true. What on earth would someone be doing standing that close to me anyway? The only person with any business there is my husband and he wouldn't notice it if I grew another head. Well, maybe that.
ReplyDeleteBLW - okay, time for you to make a list of what's in the purse. I know what's in the wallet, but I'm ready for more details!
ReplyDeleteha ha ha ha -- just finished my magnifiying/depression session! someday i will spring for laser.
ReplyDeleteAmy, I know. If I only was more sophisticated (i.e. got my eyebrows DONE) then I wouldn't need this barbaric tool. Until then, I pluck like a chicken.
ReplyDeleteMy mom had a magnified mirror at her house and the first time I glanced in it I almost fell off the chair. I don't want to see myself that closely. Ever. Good luck with the eyebrows. I wish my problem was with them NOT growing fast enough.
ReplyDeleteCharlotte, I tweezed them into a near moonscape when I was about fifteen in reaction to what had been there before: a unibrow! Now my eyebrows are afraid of me so I'm slowly coaxing them back. This may take awhile.
ReplyDelete