Saturday, July 31, 2010

Memory Blank


Here I am from my second vacation spot of the summer - Oceanside, California, where we go every year.

Here's what's occurred to me during this summer of two vacations, both to places we've been multiple times, places I would say we've established a family tradition of traveling to: my kids don't remember anything. Well, Bar Mitzvahzilla remembers some stuff, but Daughter? Nothing. All this painstaking building of memories, all the carefully planned birthday parties, all the awful, expensive amusement parks we've gone to. Blank.

When we were in Flagstaff earlier in the summer she said, "Have I ever been here before, Mom?" and I said, "Of course you were!" and then I rattled off a bunch of things we'd done there before while she looked at me blankly. Then here, in the San Diego area, she mentions that we always stay in Oceanside, which means, of course, that she doesn't remember all the other trips.

This could never have happened to me as a kid. First of all, we never took a trip until I was ten-years-old so when it finally happened it was very memorable. And interminable. My parents planned our vacations around all their fellow Holocaust Survivors they could find in various locales and then decided that we'd travel to those places. I spent our vacations stuck to plastic-covered couches listening to lamentations in Yiddish. I could definitely use a few light memories.

But Daughter's lack of memories makes me wonder about this raising kid thing, that I've worked so hard for so much that's disappeared into this big amorphous blob, later to be designated "happy childhood" or "unhappy childhood," or to have her whole life summarized by something I wasn't so good at, like cleaning, instead of something that I was good at, like letting her know she's safe.

But we'll continue. After all, we've still got four days left on this vacation. That's four days left to make memories. Right?

Have you ever noticed that your kids don't remember things that you kind of hoped they would? That maybe you worked hard at? How has vacation gone for you this summer? Do you tend to remember a lot from your childhood?

30 comments:

  1. kids remember some strange stuff...It's never the memory making stuff we would like them to remember.
    I have very distinct memories...and I always know something is going to be a memory because as i am standing there, a little light goes off in my brain that says "I'm going to remember this'.
    One of my most vivid memories of childhood was actually a positive memory of my mom's second husband (the abusive one) We lived in the upper peninsula of michigan and he made me toast with apple butter and we sat at the table and ate it together. I remember the white shiny table top with gold flecks and the silver metal rim on the table and the light shining through the window with the yellow ruffled curtains. I felt happy. I was only three but It is as vivid today as it was years ago.
    life lesson. Make every moment count. You never know what they will remember.

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  2. what children remember the best are things that are completely out of ordinary. they tend to forget things that are unpleasant (unless this is something really extreme. in such a case they either remember it for their whole life...or they forget it completely. Like, for example, many children don't remember accidents, being raped and such. it's sort of a defence mechanism of their minds). But in general I don't think it is possible to predict, to guess what they will remember and what they'll forget

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  3. I have to admit that parts of my childhood are a blur. I remember some things from being very young but not a lot. Not sure why that is.

    I am having this discussion with my 16 y/o right now. My mom is coming in 10 days. This year my step-dad is coming with her. It has been 10 years since he was east. #6 swears he has never met Grandpa Tom. He has. He just doesn't remember the last visit.

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  4. When my oldest was a teen, I had a sudden urge to travel more to "build memories." Funny how that hit me. And how I associated lasting memories with travel. Hopefully there are other great parts of life that my boys will always remember. Fondly:) Maybe we need to have some {remember when we...) dinner discussions.

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  5. My prediction is that eventually she'll have memories YOU don't recall! My kids have a panorama of the past that includes things between the three of them that I truly don't remember. Also, your daughter is likely at an age where if doesn't "benefit" her to remember. When they get a little older and leave the nest, their mixed feelings also sharpen hindsight. Just how it is.

    Linda, I truly appreciate your comments and support about OA - you've been as positive a rep for them as anyone I've encountered in a long time. I've found a couple of meetings that won't interfere with my Saturday tradition, one of which I plan to try this week. And obviously by my continued snarky arrogance, I'm going to pray to keep an open mind! Thanks again.

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  6. I had to cackle at your family vacations, hopping from survivor to survivor. My husband has a similar experience, but in his case, they jumped from Indian person to Indian person. Because, you know, Indian people are WAY too cheap to stay in a hotel if there's another Indian nearby.

    Miss D. has an uncanny memory. She remembers places and activities far better than I do. The jury is still out on Miss M. I have a lot of hazy vacation memories, so I guess I can't object too much.

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  7. Funny - I just did a post on my memories of my first day of high school.... A lot of us reminiscing these days, huh? Summer does that to you. Like you, I did not take a vacation until late in my childhood - I think I was 8 before I ever saw the ocean (my mom thought my brothers too young to travel prior to that). My hubby and I, by contrast, took our infant son and 8 year old daughter to Paris (after countless other vacations with our daughter) where our daughter deemed the Paris experience "a hard life" and only relates her observations of a bum urinating in the Pris subway as opposed to her trips to museums, restaurants and the top of the Eiffel Tower. So... yes :-) - I would prefer that she remember our lovely apartment in Montmartre or how we spend rainy evenings in Paris with friends, but.... oh well ;-).

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  8. This is exactly why I scrapbook...to remind them about what a WONDERFUL childhood they had. It's sort of like creating forced memories/brainwashing. Jo

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  9. This happens all of the time when our family sits down to talk. No one has quite the same memories of the same things. Sometimes we remember being at the same places ~ sometimes not. Sometimes one person will remember something and everyone else will be blank. It is somewhat comical. Take lots of pictures. You will have proof:-)

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  10. Every child is different - I remember little of being a young child, my first vivid memory being my sister coming home from the hospital when born and I was 4 1/2. She however, my sister, remembers incredible amounts of things from throughout our childhood and can recount in great detail things that my parents find hard to remember. However, I do think there is this tendency today to do so much, so young with children. For us vacations right now are bucket and spades on the sands, a simple break for everyone. We will wait until our daughter is told enough to really appreciate the big trips, even if she doesn't ultimately remember them at least she will take it all in at the time and quite honestly it will be a lot more fun for us too.

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  11. This is such an interesting topic. I have so many blanks from my childhood, and maybe that's one of the reasons I've taken so many photos throughout my kids' childhoods - to their annoyance at times. I think they remember more than I do, when it comes to specifics.

    Oddly, I was thinking about holes in my memory this morning. Believe it or not, my clothes bring back explicit moments, places, emotions. I know music and aroma often trigger memories, but who would've thought that clothes can do the same?

    I wonder what my kids will remember as they grow up. Sadly, vacations have been impossible - with me at least - these past 10 years. They've had many experiences I had no part in, but I'm still glad they had them.

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  12. I love vacation. I just stumbled across your blog. I love it! I'm going to poke around, I promise to put everything back where I found it!

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  13. Welcome to San Diego...again! As moms we run around ensuring that our kids have happy memories, which stresses us out. I think kids do remember the times you played with them in the sand, the times you read books to them, the times you stopped making memories and just was in the moment. At least this is what I grapple with.

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  14. I second the scrapbook theory of memory-making. My teenage daughter recently had the gall to accuse me of NEVER CELEBRATING HER BIRTHDAY. I had those scrapbooks off the shelf before that child could take her next breath.
    P.S. Linda, I sat next to you at the MWW reading. I so enjoy your blog.

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  15. It's funny what piece the brain chooses to hold on to. My mom likes to tell the story of my first trip to the circus ... When I got home, someone asked me what I had liked the most and I sad that an elephant had pooped and a man had swept it up. Ah, the good stuff! =>

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  16. I bet she'll remember those events when she turns old, like me. : )

    Because we don't have much money, our holiday celebrations are very small. We usually rely on grandparents to provide the kids with presents (which they do) and forego our own gifts. Besides, posts like this verify my suspicion that my kids won't remember anything anyway! : )

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  17. It's SO not fair!! All the work and planning we do and their definition of "happy childhood" somehow involves being left alone in their room with a remote control and some Doritos.

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  18. Chris, you're right, I remember the tiniest moments, seemingly innocuous moments of no importance. And I remember a lot of those, I think that's why I write.

    Misery, you're right about trauma-induced amnesia. The problem with not knowing what the kids will remember is that who can be perfect all time? And kids always have strange definitions of what makes a great parent, like giving them all the gaming they want. Parents with rules probably ren't appreciated till later I think!

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  19. Nicki, perfect example of this memory blank thing, your son believing he's never met your stepfather!

    Karen, I think the "remember when" conversation is a good idea and taking trips. The only problem is that since my family seems to take the exact same vacation over and over again, they all end up looking pretty similar backwards!

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  20. Leslie, you're right about the memory thing - I have an eighty year old mother so I have had the disconcerting experience of remembering things she no longer does.

    TKW, oh my, you are so funny about your husband's family! I guess I should consider myself lucky that we just had to VISIT all these people, my dad would never stay with anyone!

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  21. Sherri, is that the funniest thing? That your daughter's most indelible memory of Paris is a homeless guy urinating in public? So I guess she'll never want to go back? Kids are so funny!

    Two Fat Girls, I love the idea of scrapbooks reinforcing memories that we want to be in their heads!

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  22. Robin, that different memory thing can be a big problem for someone who writes memoir! Because you have to specify that it's your memories and then there's always someone out there claiming you made it all up!

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  23. Aging Mommy, that brings to mind that my daughter's favorite time playing at the beach this time was just messing around with wet sand, dancing around with the waves and all that! It's simple, but it's all you need. We've put a moratorium on amusement parks!

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  24. I think this is one of the coolest things about having siblings. My brother (two years younger) and I often talk about experiences from our childhood and it never fails that he starts talking about something that I have absolutely no recollection of or vice versa.

    Oh and I think the trick for us parents is to give them the experience and then constantly talk about it, each time making it more and more grandiose. That way they never forget it and it 'becomes' a wonderful memory. Bwahaha (laughing maniacally.) I am probably underestimating my kids' abilities to distinguish fact from fiction. Hmm.

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  25. BLW, funny you said that about clothes. I feel like part of my closet is just clothes I wear and part is like a big 3-D scrapbook. And I don't mean just because I have my wedding dress. I mean some of the clothes in there are from significant events and some of the stuff I saved for my kids are their clothes, just a little bit, but very special outfits. Is this the sign of a shopaholic mom???

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  26. Kate, welcome to my blog! I visited yours as well and left a comment. Glad to have you here.

    Michelle, that's such a smart comment, about being in the moment with your kids. I don't know how good I am at it, but I guess I'm a work in progress (like them!) During our vacation, since I couldn't get my daughter to willingly read Harry Potter, I started reading it to her. Suddenly I find her and my son rapt with attention every time I crack open the book! Is that cute.

    Hopefully they'll remember this. ha ha.

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  27. Noan, thank you for visiting me on here! And of course I remember you from the MWW reading! I love the idea of scrapbooking as not only this great evidence of things done but also that you've taken this enormous time and effort to document it for the kids. Not that I'll take it up, since I'm barely keeping my head above water, but still. It's something the kids should appreciate!

    Stacia, that is hilarious about the circus. It is startling when we first get near animals and realize that when they need to go, they go. I remember when I rode a horse my first time and I was positively humiliated by the horse pooping, like I had done it.

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  28. Amber, it's funny how little stuff can make kids happy if you make a habit of not overdoing it. We've never bought big presents and they're both remarkably ungreedy, if that's a word!

    Lisa, so right. My son would consider his to have been a perfect childhood if he could just be left alone with his Xbox (there to spend the rest of his existence) and a pizza delivery twice a day. Instead he got parents who just took away his Ipod because he was only using it for video games.

    Celeste, this happens with me and my six sisters too and I don't mean to be obnoxious (okay, I am) but I'm sure my memories are correct! Of course, they probably are too. Funny how the same people in the same situation can remember things differently. At least I write memoir and not documentaries...

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  29. "I spent our vacations stuck to plastic-covered couches listening to lamentations in Yiddish." If we are allowed to laugh at this, I will confess this made me LOL.

    Our kids seem to remember times when anyone of us got hurt. It all makes great story telling once the memory of us trying to kill each other is gone...

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  30. "I spent our vacations stuck to plastic-covered couches listening to lamentations in Yiddish."

    If it is ok to laugh at this, I will confess: this made me LOL.

    We seem to remember the times when someone got hurt the best. All this makes great story telling once the memory of us trying to strangle each other is gone...

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