Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Ten Things That Lead Me to Believe That I'm Jewish

Since I got the Sugar Doll Award from Big Little Wolf's Daily Plate of Crazy, I need to tell you ten things about myself that you may not know. So I thought I'd tell you ten things about me that have led me to believe, conclusively, that I just may be Jewish.

1) I'm married to a guy named Howard. Not only this, but when I was in Jewish Singles, all the guys were named Howard. I could only differentiate them by the adjectives I attached to their names - like Fat Howard, Thin Howard, Boring Howard, and Cheap Howard. Which one do you think I married? (Okay, all joking aside, I married Thin Howard.)

2) I have a Jewish wedding contract (a ketubah) that says that if we ever get divorced my husband has to give me a divorce settlement of eighteen cows. I'll have to check with my HOA, but I'm thinking we're not allowed to have livestock here.

3) I clean the house from top to bottom before a party, let everyone destroy the house at the party, and then I clean it again.

4) My eating disorder? Fat. My twelve years in Weight Watchers showed a net gain of twenty-five pounds rather than a loss.

5) My grandmothers' names? Goldie and Sosha. My grandfathers? Yaacov and Gershon.

6) My choice of my childrens' names was not based on what I or my husband liked, but by checking out the names of our dead relatives.

7) I crave smoked fish.

8) I will actually move from my house to a different house to make sure my son gets into the right high school.

9) I grew up not knowing exactly what I was eating - in English. I only knew the words in Yiddish. The base ingredient of every dish? Rendered fat. 

10) When it rains, my face disappears inside the exploding Jewfro that used to be my hair.

What is an undeniable fact that you are who you are, whether you're Catholic, Mormon or Baptist? What gives you away and is so apparent you can just forget about hiding it?
Thank you to Big Little Wolf for awarding me the Sugar Doll! Although she's way too smart for me, I try to make my my limited brain cells concentrate once a day and go visit her wonderful blog where she always makes me think and I always find a lively discussion.

The Sugar Doll is passed along to one or more terrific writers who connect, contribute, entertain, enlighten, and otherwise make our day. Each person who receives it may then choose one to ten others to whom it is given. The recipient is required to post “Ten things you don’t know about me.” I'm passing my Sugar Doll along to Chris at A Deliberate Life, whose honesty and  determination have taught me a lot since I began reading her blog, and to Kristen at Motherese, whose finely-tuned mind and fascinating conversations remind me that this motherhood journey is not for the faint-hearted.


  1. um, if number 8 is wrong...I don't want to be right
    signs I'm a southern baptist....the first time I saw the pope I called him a member of the big hat club.
    um, my only comfort watching the news is knowing that all the pedophiles are going to burn in hell.
    or as we like to say in our house * camp out next to
    I know what someone's 'testimony' means.
    I tried catechism classes, but left after being told I had to declare my faith to a church and not to God.
    I live in fear of lime green jello.
    I also live in fear of my pastor asking me if I am 'backslidden'...(which is no good thing, let me assure you)....
    Jesus love me this I know...pops into my head at least once a week while doing dishes.
    I can't imagine why other churches don't have the american flag up there along with the Christian 'flag'.
    Whenever I attend your average protestant church I wonder where the banjo and the fiddle is....

  2. Our religions seem to share #6- Pregnant? Pull out the genealogy charts!

    Other dead giveaways I'm Mormon?

    - I've always considered anything under 5 kids a small family. Not till over 7 to be extremely large.
    - (obviously after that last one) my husband, myself, & my children all have about 50 cousins each.
    - funeral potatoes are my friend.
    - We are always the designated driver.
    - I know all my children's 1/2 birthdays (nursery doesn't start till they're 18 months old).

  3. Thank you, Linda, for sharing this award with me. I am honored by your high opinion of my blog. As you know, I am very grateful to have found you last fall - you are truly one of the cornerstones of the community I feel forming in the blogosphere.

    A sign that I am a Catholic? I'm plagued by guilt, almost all of the time. A sign that I am a lapsed Catholic? I don't worry about it as much as I used to!

  4. Thank you for the laugh! This might get me into trouble, but I was raised very conservative Christian and I don't have anything that points to that fact... because I have spent the last 15 years trying to figure out what *I* believe and it is not that. However, after reading your list, I might just be Jewish too... I even have the expanding hair when it rains! Except I DON'T have the marriage contract.. lucky you! Wow.. 18 cows.

  5. Congratulations, Linda - hilarious! My mishmash Math 101 - Southern Baptist + Jewish = atheist.

  6. OHMYGAWD! You made me choke on my chicken soup!!!

    Love love love your list. And CLEARLY, an award that is much deserved.

  7. This is absolutely hysterical, Linda. Love love love it. And I might just want to get a glimpse of that rainy day Jewfro! Oh yeah, baby!

  8. Fantastic list!!

    I guess the only sign I am a Catholic - the sign I cannot avoid - is the six kids. After someone asks me how many kids I have, they undoubtedly ask if I am Catholic. I find it slightly funny as I was not raised Catholic but am a convert.

  9. @Nicki- I get asked that all the time, too. And then they act surprised when I inform them that I do, in fact, belong to a church known for huge families. I always find it quite humorous.

  10. Chris, funny about the banjo and fiddle. I get mystified if I can understand a service at all. It must be in incomprehensible Hebrew for me to feel comfortable!

  11. Charlotte, hilarious. Mine has to be the recent dead and the closest relatives. Only an initial or you can give your kid the same Hebrew name as the deceased. It gets a little confusing having so many names!

    And I'm so fascinated by funeral potatoes! I definitely need to know more about funeral potatoes!

  12. Kristen, Guilt - one of the things that Jews and Catholics have in common!

    And thank goodness for that blogging class or I'd still be knocking around here alone instead of following you everywhere and introducing myself to your friends.

  13. Jennifer, It would be just my luck to get divorced and have a big farm truck pull up with my cows.

    And I'll say this about my rain-frizzy hair: it's not pretty. No one's ever tried to talk me into wearing it "natural."

  14. Lisa, Hiliarious - what an odd couple! Southern Baptist and Jewish?

    Here's my math: One Atheist Jewish Holocaust Survivor + One Athiest Holocaust Survivor = Me - Super Duper Jewy McJew. Go figure.

  15. BLW, You are getting me verklempt, reading the blog and eating chicken soup!

    And thanks for the award. I appreciate it.

  16. Sarah, No photos of the Jewfro! Anyway, it would break the lens of the camera, trust me.

  17. Nicki, Can you imagine being one of seven and being Jewish? Let me tell you, Jews use birth control.

    But you're so right. There's always this implication that large families are large because of religious adherence, which may or may not be true. And see Charlotte's comment. Even she gets asked if she's Catholic!

  18. Not to offend Charlotte, I use to tell people "no, I'm Mormon." Usually stopped them in their tracks as they presumed I was Catholic. Now I just tell them "I love sex."

  19. I am so offended. Oh, wait, that is the same answer I gave them. And I loved how it would stop them in their tracks! I may switch to the "I love sex" answer, though, would like to see the looks on their faces (I mean what do they expect you to say?)

  20. Oh man. I am so glad I found you and right before you hit my decade. I talk with hands, feel guilty all the time, a repent my sins every fall, I like to start the new year by throwing my past sins out to sea, schmaltz(sp) is a good thing, so is brisket, I'm pretty animated, and I married a shegetz!

  21. I love this. Hilarious and smart as always. Your award was well-deserved indeed.

  22. I am finally getting around to commenting and I had to tell you I laughed my pants off!!

    Dead giveaway I'm a Mormon? (Besides what Charlotte has already said.) I wear long pants and long shirts. All the time. And I go to 3 hours of church on Sunday.

    OK, first one was a joke. Second one? Serious. I actually love church, it is one of my favorite social hangouts! The upside is I get spiritually rejuvenated WHILE I'm spreading the gossip! : )

  23. Very funny. I think I know I'm Jewish because my first word (at least that I can remember) was "Careful!"—echoing the overprotective cry of my parents. Also, because (along with Woody Allen), brave men run in my family. (mostly from Cossacks, Nazis and bullies)

  24. Okay, Nicki and Charlotte both have me thinking about this "I love sex" response to people who comment on the number of kids you have! It is so funny!

  25. Terry, Of course! Nowadays being married to a "sheygetz" (non-Jew for everyone else) IS a sign of being Jewish! And I love the other descriptions - I'm totally stealing them the next time I decide to write about post about being Jewish! (And today is the one-week countdown to my 50th. I hope you're happy!)

  26. Aidan, Thanks for the compliment. I appreciate it!

  27. Amber, I agree with you, I have a great time at services too - talking and, afterwards, catching up with people and seeing people I haven't seen for a while. But also, connecting with the service. That is, until my kids start their "Is it over?" lament. Urg.

  28. P of P - One of my son's first words was "dangerous." Now I feel guilty - should his first word have been "careful?" (ha ha). This is how we raise generation upon generation of cautious Torah scholars! And though not "runners" in the traditional sense, yeah, my family had its share of runners in the smart sense. That's why I'm sitting here safely in Arizona writing! Thanks for visiting.

  29. wow great post
    Keep posting stuff like this i really like it.