Sunday, September 19, 2010

Comatose Parenting - Redux

Husband and I were kind of unprepared to be parents, at least to a baby like Bar Mitzvahzilla. Born a pound and a half, he came home after ten weeks in the hospital weighing almost four pounds and hauling a lot of medical equipment, like an apnea monitor, an oxygen tank, special foods and medications, and he had to go to various doctors and specialists three times a week.

Also, he was a smart little baby. The hospital was a twenty-four-hour-a-day atmosphere and all the nurses loved him so he learned to stay up and play with them, as well as a tiny little baby can play. Let me tell you, besides saving his life, the nurses in the NICU and the Continuing Care Nursery really knew how to love a baby. The problem was, he didn't really get the whole Sleep During the Night schtick, much to Husband and my chagrin.

So suddenly there was this tiny, needy, scary looking thing plugged in, really, all over the house to various machines, and he was awake all the time. Husband and I coped as best we could. We set up four-hour shifts of sleeping and caretaking and rotated them so that both of us could be sure we'd get some sleep and our share of middle of the night misery. We'd each hit a breaking point, kind of rotate a breaking point between us, if you will, and, depending on our mental state, our general bug-eyed appearance, the pallor of our skin, and how much of our hair was standing on end, we'd give each other a break.

That's kind of how life feels right now. Not because Bar Mitzvahzilla is in any kind of fragile medical state, which he's not. But because of our wild-eyed frenzy. We assess each other each day. Who's been driving since 6:45 in the morning, and it's now 9 PM? Who has poured herself in a heap on the bed and can't move (that's always me)? Who drove to the high school five separate times in one day because of various football-related pick ups and drop offs? Who can handle the moment, at 9 pm on Tuesdays and Thursdays, when five hundred Jewish parents descend on the JCC all at once to pick up their teenagers from Hebrew High and who will melt down?

So who would have thought that at this late date in parenting we'd get this strange reminder of the earliest days of parenting, and via the same kid - Bar Mitzvahzilla? And that, somehow, we'd remember how to do the same thing all over again. The last one standing, the last one not crying with fatigue - that one goes for the final pick up.

Do you remember those days of bringing home a newborn? Did you have a method to balance the exhausted partners? Any random acts of lovingkindness to those you love lately?

39 comments:

  1. um...I had my daughter at my in laws house in Ohio. One week later I went to my mom's in Michigan and then two weeks later I went home to Massachusetts. My husband was deployed the first 6 months of my oldest daugher's life.
    The one piece of advice I received (and it was invaluable) was if you couldn't take it anymore, put the baby down and leave the room.
    I did it more than once. She had colic from 2 to 6 months from 1-4 in the morning.
    My best help was my friend milicent. She would come over and invite me to her house, gave me tons of tips and really, really helped me as I was only 19 years old at the time.
    I don't know how I would have coped had it not been for her.

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  2. That's excellent advice, Chris. Nineteen years old and a baby with colic! Too much, really. I'm glad you had people to hand her off to!

    I couldn't believe how my son would just cry and cry and cry. My husband would finally fall asleep holding a hospital binkie in his mouth in some really strange position since the baby was in a bouncy next to the bed. The good thing? After a while we could fall asleep anywhere, anytime!

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  3. LP: Ah, this brings back such fond memories of medically needy babies (I've had two) and numerous trips to the children's hospital and other emergency locations. What impresses me now is that they grow up, now medically fine, but presenting other "challenges". For some stupid reason, I thought parenting had a timeline and at age 18 I would be done. HA! We are raising 4th and Final Teen Daughter and it's piano, dance, football games, blah, blah, blah. Like a ring, there is no end. Jo

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  4. I am so lucky - my husband stays up to wait for our teen coming in late. When my husband is gone, it kills me to stay awake that late! And, yes, we have to wake teen up each morning because somehow my boys never managed to handle doing that themselves.

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  5. I do remember those days. Whenever a young parent says to me "Oh, I can't wait until it gets easier," I stop myself from asking "And when is that?" because, just like I did, when you're living through the little kid stuff, you need hope. On the one hand it is easier, on the other not so much. I just got off the phone with the Sophomore in college. Crisis averted. This time.

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  6. Oh God, the schedule-frenzy. I so hear you. And yes, Miss M. was in the NICU and I remember so clearly all the tubes and gizmos, and the constant waking when she was finally home. You are right--it all comes back.

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  7. Yeah, parenting really does seem to be a lifetime gig. After diapers it's potty training, and then it's carpool, and then it's extra curricular activities, and then it's college, and then it's paying for a wedding, and then it's helping out the newlyweds... I need to call my mom and say "thank you!"

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  8. When you look back at how tiny he was, you must still marvel at it - especially in the boisterous splendor that is the adolescent male!

    As for those early days of parenting infants and rising through the night (it went on for three solid years) - I remember them very well. Who took duty?

    It was me then, and it's still me now. 19 years and counting. Shorter, but still standing. Well, some of the time. . .

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  9. Isn't it interesting how the parenting decisions get made. The kids think there is some sort of Grand Plan, when really it all comes down to this: Who is the last person standing? You don't know whether to laugh or cry.

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  10. The scheduling hell! Oh, my friend, how well I know it...with no end in sight!

    In those early days, I usually did the waking up...Now, since I have all the scheduling rounds, Hubby wakes up with sick children or insomniac toddlers...God bless him!

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  11. The best thing I did in the first few months after the birth of my second child? Zoloft baby.

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  12. Jo, I agree. Our lives are like "rings" around that kid! And my husband seems almost gleeful about it, or at least the football part of it. (living vicariously, I think...) All we have to do is have daughter throw one tiny thing into the mix - a sport coinciding with football, a class of sometype in the fall - and the whole things going to collapse!

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  13. Karen, my son, being just a freshman, doesn't actually have a nighttime social life yet (thank goodness) but the morning thing I can relate to. He lays in bed like a gigantic bum. Meanwhile, my daughter sets her own alarm and hops neatly out of bed by herself!

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  14. Lisa, it's like a lot of things are better. Like no strollers and no diapers and fully mobile kids so you're in and out of the car like a flash, right? But the complex nature of the problems, the social situations, the scheduling, even when they're not over-scheduled, can be overwhelming. My mom had a very special way of dealing with me back a zillion years ago when I was a college sophomore, just fyi. She'd never take my collect calls! (Way before cell phones!)

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  15. TKW, there are really no memories to compare with those NICU memories. I was just a wreck. I couldn't figure out how I was supposed to move past the day he was born when he was still in the hospital and I wasn't. Really they should have had counseling back then! Now I bet they have a fleet of counselors running around NICU parents...

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  16. Rivki, my dad always lamented that he'd have to pay for seven weddings, though he didn't live past the first one. But still, it is all part of the parenting job to see your children raised and settled!

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  17. BLW, three and a half years? Is that because the boys were close in age? My gosh that is a long time to have no sleep! Even my son learned to (finally) sleep through the night at a year and a half!

    And, about getting shorter, I'm the amazing shrinking mom too. It doesn't help that places like Gap are now making their pants long enough for Amazons (or maybe I really HAVE shrunk 6 inches???)

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  18. Robin, what a wise comment. Like I wish I could lay claim to greatness, but the only greatness I possessed (let's say last Thursday during late night pick up) was that I was the only driver in the house awake. My husband had blacked out on the couch. This will not win me any parenting awards...

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  19. Maria, my husband knows I'm a pushover when it comes to the middle of the night stuff, so he's in charge of escorting my daughter back to her room (I'd just as soon help her make a makeshift bed on the floor!) It's good you've identified your strongest talents!

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  20. Getrealmommy, very smart. I had such awful postpartum AFTER my son came home from the hospital (how did it wait 10 weeks?) that if I could have broken my isolation and admitted it to anyone I certainly would have been on something. I'm amazed I survived.

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  21. In some ways, it's a comfort to know it never ends, the cycle of exhaustion. In other ways, I want to run screaming from my house before I rip my hair out. Children, what children? Maybe for sanity's sake, I could pretend just for an hour or two at least ... =>

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  22. Oh my... we all have this.

    I met my 9 year old's 4th grade teacher last night for the first time. She was also my 14 year old's 4th grade teacher. And yet I did not even vaguely remember her. A mere 5 years later, why is that you ask?

    5 years ago I was still on my 8 weeks of maternity leave from the birth of our princess. She embraced her princess-hood from day one. She spent the first 15 MONTHS of her life waking up literally EVERY 45 minutes 24 hours a day. I was preparing to return to work in 2 short weeks. She went on a hunger strike because she did not like my switching her to powdered formula that daycare would provide as opposed to the ready to feed we used at home. For 3 days my beautiful, precious little princess refused to eat. At 6 weeks old.

    Now I have no illusions about why I met this teacher last night for the very first time all over again. Five years ago I was sleep deprived and worrying about what form of control my precious little princess would exhibit next.

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  23. I miss you so much....so much to talk about....love your blogs....put a smile on your face.

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  24. Stacia, never fear, some parts of it get A LOT better! Like the no-diapers, no strollers, no high chairs part of it, that part's easier. But other things become harder, like anticipating and circumventing all the things that can go wrong in high school - that is harder than I imagined and I'm a very paranoid parent! On the one hand you get to talk to a person who understands everything you say; on the other hand, you get to talk to a person who just may think you don't know what you're talking about!

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  25. Elizabeth, wow! I am firmly of the belief that babies know more than they're letting on! Of course you were the classical Comatose Parent, walking around meeting people you don't recall. Sounds like maybe you don't remember the whole year... I can relate! I enjoyed a look around your blog today too.

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  26. Terry, I am majorly missing you. I have to look up "your dad's" blog to see what your up to. I'm happy you're a success but still, I need my blogging buddies here, in my little corner of the blogosphere!

    Email me and tell me if you have any publishing advice now that you're a few months into it (if you have time?)

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  27. Hi Linda!

    Thanks for stopping by the Over 40 Bloggers I added your blog to the list!!

    Thanks for joining the party!

    Hope you get lots of followers from it! Including me!! Please follow me back if you haven’t done so already!!

    Be sure to come by every Friday for the Follow Friday 40 and Over Blog Hop!

    Have a great day!!
    Java

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  28. The lack of sleep was the hardest part for me. And having 6 in 10 years meant I pretty much lived on no sleep. And now I am finally sleeping, just in time to start the running around and staying up late required for teenagehood. Sigh.

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  29. Thank you, Java, for putting me on the over 40 blogger list (especially because I'm 50...). I'm looking forward to discovering new blogging buddies!

    Charlotte, whenever I hear from you or Nicki I think, What on earth am I moaning about? Six kids in ten years! Just be sure that they don't all play football. I think you're safe - your oldest is a girl!

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  30. Hey! I'm with you!! ok.. older than you (53) but hanging w/ the younguns! I am your newest follower. Please stop by and visit.. grab a cup of coffee and chat :)

    http://cindyseesit.blogspot.com/

    Cindy

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  31. Yea, Cindy, someone in my age group! I guess that's above forty, right? (Like 80 is too!)

    Thanks for following and I'll be over asap,
    Linda

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  32. I can certainly empathize. When DH and I adopted our twins, they were barley two pounds each. We always thought our newborn (not newborns) would be plump and full-term like our oldest!

    DH typically does pick-up on Saturday, as I teach Hebrew School on Sunday. I will do Friday pick-ups. Now that DH is home more due to the recession, he also will do Hebrew HIgh pick-up for me.

    When our twins are teens we will be in our fifties. I cannot imagine doing this for another ten yeras!

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  33. Noah was an extremely fussy baby and with no family around to help, I can totally relate to having to just put him down and walk away sometimes. It really was overwhelming. I am already having scheduling conflicts with both of them in soccer and they are only 7 and 3, I don't want to think about tween and teen years. I am looking forward to less "gear" to carry around. As soon as Zoe started preschool, I went to DSW and celebrated by buying myself a new SMALL purse and finally moved out of the diaper bag! WOOHOO!

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  34. Oh my what a little bundle! I have 3 babes (7, 5 and 15 months) How I quickly forget those sleepless nights. I came home from the hosptial with my second to a power outage. Not fun. Taking care of a baby in the dark with candles. I can laugh about it now.
    Found you via blog hop and now following.
    If you have time to follow me back I would much appreciate it.

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  35. And I always thought those newborn nights would be a sweet memory that I would hold onto when the kids reach the teen years. Now you're telling me I might relive them again? Hmmm....I think I'm reconsidering this whole teenage business.

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  36. These days, just for fun, I leave my empty nest for a four hour round trip car ride every week to watch my daughter play a softball game, loving every minute of it. Hang in there, Linda!

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  37. Thank you. It is nice to read a post about a baby that never slept too. :-)

    It was, to say the least, a very traumatic experience for me.

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  38. That's how it is for us with bedtime. Just last night my husband looked at me and could tell, I couldn't do it, I wouldn't do it, and if I DID attempt to do it, it wouldn't be pretty.

    It's lovely to have that partnership, isn't it? Cause when the kids suck the life out of you, there's go to be SOMEONE left to blow it back in.

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