Monday, September 2, 2013

Mom, Mind Reader



It's 7:40 AM and rather than being in bed, where I should be, I'm in an unusual place: sitting outside my daughter's new middle school, parked in the parking lot with the window cracked open to hear the bell, and watching the clock tick.

Next to me, of course, is Daughter.

She's gone to a Jewish Day School from Kindergarten through seventh grade. Suddenly, last year, she was through. Not the most courageous kid, yet she wanted to move on.

Husband and I were flabbergasted. We were committed to Jewish education - full Jewish education, like through eighth grade since we don't have a Jewish high school. She'd never been interested in leaving before. We'd had a few forays into public school before, most of which ended badly. But Cheap Husband was thrilled about one thing in particular: no tuition. And I was interested in Daughter being happier, with more social opportunities. So we began looking into it, touring, taking placement tests.

And she left, moving from an eighth grade class of ten to an eighth grade class of four hundred.

I can't always relate exactly to everything my kids go through but this, this starting over at a school in eighth grade -- this sometimes feels like the central narrative of my life. My family moved out to Arizona from Skokie just in time for me to start eighth grade. The nightmares of that year can still make me wake up in a cold sweat at night. This whole experience has made me unusually perceptive, almost a mind reader. Good skills to have when dealing with the teenaged Daughter.

Each day, after school now, we talk about the events of her day. I use my Mom Mind Reader skills to ferret out any troubles, troubleshoot any difficulties, offer advice. But there's this one thing, the thing that leads us to sitting in the car at 7:40 AM each morning.

Math's going well, Social Studies is going well, so is English and PE and Science. Lunch is even going well, though each day her group shifts and morphs. Success looms before me when, three weeks in, Daughter informs me that she's no longer a "new kid." I am astounded, mostly because I felt like a new kid in Arizona from the day I started eighth grade to the day I graduated high school.

So it's just this morning thing.

Each morning from the time kids arrive till the bell rings at 7:56, they gather in a huge courtyard socializing. Has anyone ever imagined how terrifying this might be for new kids? It's not that there's bullying, because there isn't. But there's the more subtle problem of non-inclusion, of the established kids hanging with their friends and not talking to anyone they don't know. We've all done it.

So she sits. Then the bell rings and she flies out of the car to her first period class. And as I begin backing out of my space I see she's not the only one. All over the parking lot I see other kids who were sitting in their cars, all waiting out the bell, all dashing from their mind reader moms' sides to their classes the minute the bell rings.

Have you ever started over, or watched as your children have?

10 comments:

  1. Egads. Middle school. Or Junior High. Is there anything worse????

    I started over in 6th grade, which was the last year of elementary school. There were 4 junior highs in my town and I went to the one with the richest kids in our town. They were bussed in to mix with lower middle class to middle class kids. Oh... the polarization. I remember it well.

    Non-inclusion. Full-on bullying. It all thrived at my Junior High. Worst three years of my life.

    What is ironic funny now is that I am friends with many of these people on FB. A couple of years ago I blogged on there, too, and posted some things about how terrible junior high was. I was shocked at the response. All of these people that I thought were so comfortable didn't feel that way at all. Everyone feels like they don't really belong. I had people sending me emails after crying and drinking full bottles of wine after that posting. People I thought were popular and cool. Turns out no one feels at home in their own skin during these years. ...as evidenced by so many people waiting in cars until the bell. Maybe knowing that will help Daughter feel better.

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    1. Robin, you're so right about Facebook. I also am friends with a lot of high school people (and some of those 8th graders who tormented me) and I've been surprised to find out that some of them were new when I was! Especially at that age we tend to see the world only through our own eyes. Maturity changes that.

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  2. Daughter will find her way with like-minded students...in the gym, library, & clubs important to her interests. We moved spring of 4th grade, from Brooklyn to suburbs, and classmates were found on our street & the adjacent. Worst aspect: not having means to take part in activities so many others did: equipment, transportation, etc. Fast forward to high school: best dressed senior's father was a women's clothing manufacturer, so some competitive aspects of school will always have a measure of unfairness. Daughter will find community in others who feel/felt as she did.

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    1. Thanks, Anon. Wise words. Unlike when I showed up and thought I should instantaneously have a thousand friends, she knows that friendships happen one at a time, like you said, in classes, the gym and other places she is. That's how it's happening for her and things are going well.

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  3. Oh my. I also changed schools in 8th grade after my mother got remarried. It was a very, very difficult year. I ended up with insomnia and migraines. I know it must be hard to watch your daughter go through difficult times, but she will come out on the other end, especially when she has the love and support of a good mother. :)

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    1. She turned 14 the other day and the feeling of dread that hit me realizing that 14 was one of my worst years ever (only matched by the excruciating 15!) But I'm here to give guidance, and watch over her, which should make her 14th year go much better than mine. Reading symptoms like the ones you had are actually important parts of being a mom mindreader!

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  4. Oh wow, yes. I started over in grade eight when my family moved across country. New province, new faces, new surroundings...well, new everything. Which was very scary at the time. I fit in only once, for one brief year before being bullied the next year. The worst three years I can ever remember. Glad that those years are long gone now.

    I can imagine as a mother how hard it must be for you to just watch and pray and hope that her high school years are a joyful one. She'll come through it just fine, knowing that she has a great mum like you to always be there for her. <3 Something a growing kid needs, even if they don't think they do. ^_^

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    1. Erin, thank you for your kind words. I guess in a way my horrible 8th grade helps me to guarantee that hers won't be horrible! It amazing that kids, when left to their own devices, could be so cruel, yet when educated about bullying and in a school with zero tolerance, will be completely different! Thank you for visiting and your comment!

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  5. Oh, my heart is heavy. I wish there were some sort of Bat Signal all you Mind Reader Moms could push that would somehow create a new little group for all of your hesitant kids - you know, carve a niche for the nicheless. It sounds, though, like she is doing really well. Hopefully an opening into a morning circle of friends will come soon. In the meantime, good on you for being so perceptive.

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  6. How interesting that you also were the new kid in 8th grade. YES--what a tough year to begin a new school. This right here broke my heart for a minute: "All over the parking lot I see other kids who were sitting in their cars, all waiting out the bell . . . " At least she's not alone! And all good growing experiences for her and bonding for the two of you. I had always assumed mine would be in our day school through 8th grade. There is no Jewish school here either. But you know what--you never know! And each kid is different. Good luck this year to her and to YOU.

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