Sunday, March 7, 2010

The Hormone House


Yes, it's true. After months of anticipating it, of being horrified over it, of moving forward day by day by day with extreme trepidation, today was my birthday. I'm now officially fifty and I want to say that the stupidest thing I did to prepare myself for this birthday was that I ruined my last couple of months of being forty-nine preparing myself for it. I spent so much time saying I was turning fifty that I wasted my last chance ever to say I was forty-nine.

All I can think is that it must be some kind of cruel joke, a mom heading into menopause, her hormones going nuts, with a son who's busted through adolescence, also a hormonal mess, and a daughter who's starting to develop, a pre-teen, and yes, also a mass of raging hormones. All in the same household, all at the same time. Everyday we wake up and there's an assessment: who's the biggest nut today?

My behavior comes out in a kind of heat-motivated panic about the state of the household. One more dropped toy of Daughter's; Bar Mitzvahzilla's whole wardrobe, somehow, stashed behind the bathroom door where he changes each morning; the idea that they ran out of soap in their shower apparently months ago and just kept on taking showers with no soap instead of asking for a new bar. This drives menopausal mom crazy. Actually, I think this would drive any mom crazy.

Then there's Bar Mitzvahzilla. He's taking a lot of showers lately. Either he's discovered that, yes, he has body odor or I don't want to know why. When he's outside of the shower he's now spotless. He alternates between being untalkative, mainly because he's got earbuds in his ears, or too talkative, presenting a pressing case for why he needs to get Xbox Live - because all of his friends have it - and how unbelievable it is that he doesn't have it. He has limitless, inexhaustible energy for this conversation, but I am a ticking time bomb.

Then there's Daughter. Her exhibit of hormones shows mainly in her great exits. Just like a movie star in the 1950s, she loves to make a final dramatic remark and storm out of a room. She thrives on this. I should've known something like this would happen, after all, I had her when I was thirty-nine. That meant she started Kindergarten when I was forty-five. Yes. So now - Menopause and Puberty at the same time.

I try to think back to what I remember of this when I was a kid but all I come up with is when my mother went through menopause. For ten years. 

The final member of our household is mild-mannered and poor beleaguered Husband, not a hormonal mess and not in a midlife crisis. Despite a blameless life, he's stuck living with the three of us in the Hormone House.

Are there any hormonal problems in your house?  Do you remember having one growing up? Any evidence of midlife crisis? Did you like your birthday post-childhood?

28 comments:

  1. Oh my gosh, I am laughing so hard. Awesome Stepkid R. (now 17) started showering diligently at 15 1/2. This shocked me, since we used to have to bodily force him into the bath/shower. Suddenly, he was showering every day, sometimes twice, and taking a LONG time. Like you, I didn't want to know why. :) But I knew why. :) Which meant that I wasn't pleased that he preferred OUR shower to the one in his room.

    And as for the dramatic exits...she's just practicing for her future Oscar, right?

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  2. I'm 48 and I'm gonna enjoy every last second of saying that, till August. Happy Happy Birthday! Here, it's just me and the 15 year old, the other 2 are at college. She's pretty hormonal. I'm not there yet, but I doubt I'll be able to get her safely off to college before IT starts. On the bright side, I'm sure there's never a dull moment in your house??

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  3. That made me laugh! My daughter is 2 1/2 and can already storm out of a room, I know it will only get worse and that scares me. My mild-mannered, sweet son, is 6 1/2 and I am NOT looking forward to the hours in the bathroom days....I don't even wanna think about it! As for me, I swear I hit my midlife crisis at 35. 30 didn't bother me at all, but I hit 35 when my daughter was 5months old and all the adrenaline-infused, sleepless night chaos of having a newborn was wearing off. I took a breath, looked around, realized I was fat, 35, and had enormous bags under my eyes and literally fell apart for months. I'm fine now... if you ask ME.. now if you ask my husband or kids... you might get another story. Haha! Oh... and Happy Belated Birthday to you!!

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  4. my daughter takes two baths a day on the weekends...she tells me it's relaxing.
    I tell her I don't like the water bill.
    Sometimes...about once a week I have actually stop
    her because I want a hot bath...
    ugh. And hormonal.
    well, you get my two daughters in the car and I can make a good case for birth control right there...

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  5. Great piece Linda! I can relate, and I don't even have any kids! I am 49 and will be for the next few months. And if anybody asks - I'm 49 and will be 49 until the day!

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  6. Hilarious. I remember when I was 29 I spent the last six months before my birthday telling anyone who would listen that I was in my 20s, just so they knew. When 39 rolled around the migraines were so bad I wasn't talking to anyone anyway. Who cared? HORMONES! They make everyone crazy. Keep writing this down. It will make an awesome book!

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  7. Hormones suck... Pray for me sister, as I will have a houseful of teenaged boys while going through menopause...Thankfully I have a few years to get emotionally ready...

    Great post!

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  8. Happy birthday! I was a horrible hormonal teen. Thank goodness my mom forgave me and I got over it and we are now great friends. I only have boys and am glad. The younger one is still home and also take lots of showers. And uses lots of body spray. He has his moments when I just try to remember that it is hormones and being a teen and that it will quickly pass.

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  9. I plead the fifth. On all counts. This, of course, is the part of being an older mother that we never think about as we have babies hovering around the 40 mark. (Not my case, of course, as I am currently counting backwards, under strict instructions from my hypnotist. Works wonders on hormonal surges. Sometimes we call it d-e-n-i-a-l.

    :)

    Happy birthday!

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  10. Good luck and happy, happy birthday!

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  11. This is fantastic! I so relate to the lengthening showers. At 12, #1 went from having to be hog-tied and bathed to showering for 30 minutes to make a phone call. Yes, a phone call. Thankfully, I was busy chasing a toddler around so I didn't pay much attention then.

    Happy Birthday!!!

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  12. Oh, I am so sad I missed this post on Sunday! I was thinking about you all day, but wasn't able to get on the computer. Happy belated Birthday!! I hope it wasn't as horrible as you anticipated. : )

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  13. Happy belated birthday, Linda!

    Thank you for the gift of your words - both here at Bar Mitzvahzilla and through your supportive virtureal friendship.

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  14. I hope you're enjoying your new decade. I understand about the hormonal mess. I remember with a house full of sisters that our "times" always coincided, but it never occurred to me how difficult it is to have your daughter lose her grasp on reality at the point every month when I have the least capabilities of handling it well.

    I will pray for your husband. Poor man ;)
    Also, I am far from menopause and those things still drive me crazy, so that is normal crazy.

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  15. TKW, Ah, the mystery of the showers. And my son, who can joke about anything? This is not something he jokes about. On this topic I get a poker face!

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  16. Oh, and happy birthday lol...duh.
    You did a good job of slipping that by me.
    whooohoooo on fifty years.
    May you have 50 more.

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  17. Maureen, Take a lesson from my stupidity and enjoy saying you're 48 and then 49 as much as you can! And yes, here at our house, we're starting to use a lot of pimple cream...

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  18. Jennifer, having little kids and the post-pregnancy weight, and the bleary-eyed exhaustion is a tough time! It's enough to make you think that you're insane. Come to think of it, I was insane then too. Poor husband!

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  19. Chris, thanks for the birthday wishes. Girls are different than boys, they're just so ARTICULATE when they're mad!

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  20. Leah, you are so smart! Do that! Don't give up 49 till you wake up 50. I can't believe I blew it!

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  21. Robin, isn't it funny how when we're on the cusp of a new decade it's such a panic, even our 30s. Ah, that seems so young.

    And thanks for the compliment; I appreciate it.

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  22. Maria, let me imagine this horror. You, menopausal. Three teenaged boys tearing through the house, eating all the food, covered with pimples, and using up all the hot water. Is that right? Just be sure to keep blogging. I definitely want to read about this in 10 years!

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  23. Waisting Time, I love the idea of body spray on a teenager! That is funny. Mine is using deoderant, which I'm thankful for! And I remember all seven of us being impossible to my mom but her just ignoring us until it passed!

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  24. BLW, love the moving backward thing. One time I was at a family party and met one of my older sisters' boyfriend's and he was doing the whole seven sister thing and he was mystified how I was number six and she was number four but younger than me. Of course, she had changed her age! And then, with her math, it turned out she became a parent when she was about ten. You have to be really good at math for this stuff to work!

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  25. Nicki, with all the pre-shower disappearance time plus the shower itself, I sometimes don't see my son for most of the evening. He could honestly be kidnapped and I wouldn't know it for several hours.

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  26. Charlotte, really the biggest problem with being this age is now everyone in my family keeps blaming every mood I have on it. Meanwhile, they're still doing all these aggravating things! If I was 35 they wouldn't do that!

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  27. Lisa, Amber, Kristen, and Aidan,
    Thank you so much for the Birthday wishes! Can't I just stand still on one of these ages for awhile instead of everything continuously moving?

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